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[14 Sep 2009|09:13am] |
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i feel bad that i ruined so many people. and i don't know how i am JUST NOW seeing and realizing it. i've really fucked up a lot of human beings. IN THE HEAD! i can't believe it. i can't believe myself. i never really meant to, it just sort of happened. but, there has been quite a few. male and female. but i think now, about them and how they are now, and in a sick way, i think i helped them. they are the person they are today because of myself. part of it. a good chunk of these people i left an impact on. whether a good one or a bad one. the lucky ones are doing well. they are in school and are working. they have friends, maybe a girlfriend or a boyfriend. i made them stronger. and the not so lucky ones, well. i look at them from a distance and feel sorrow. i feel bad for them, and for what i did. it wasn't ALL my fault, but i helped them be self-destructive. i introduced them to so and so, and what they sold, and thus, deeper into their own little depression or whatever was going on upstairs. i enabled them. oh my god, i am an enabler! not anymore. i'm really not. i never put a gun to anyone's head and said hey, smoke this or DIE. snort this or die! eat this or DIE! no, never. i never peer pressured anybody into doing anything. i just put it out there. andddddddddd they all got hooked. a lot of them did. and i wonder if i knew what i was doing at the time, or if i really was that blind. because i ruined them. sure, they can be fixed, but there's a lot of fixin' to do. these people, my past friends, are good people.
i'm just glad i made it out alive. and alive i mean, well, living without any real issues and not being dependent on shit to make me feel better. modest mouse said it best when they said people trade sadness for numbness. okay, you have the numbness, what do you do when that goes away? i guess you could numb yourself to death, but that seems like a waste. i guess that's a huge reason why i lost a lot of good people in my life. no one wanted to see me go down that path because of "my potential and intellect." no one could have stopped me. they could try, but i'd find a way around them eventually. either they would cave or just give up. for the most part, everyone gave up. and i'm happy they did.
i think about who my "friends" are now. now and then. i'm not close with anyone i used to be. and i think there's a good reason for that. everyone changed. of course, that's life. everybody took their own path. i just started bartending, and still have a job (so far) at the dry cleaner's. it gets me by. as for the others, alyssia went to chicago. tom is doing his own thing. carolyn is in california, doing really well. hilary is in clearwater. themi decided to go uh, down that path and whatever. and my precious, beloved lee is no longer around for a lot of reasons. and it's pretty fucking sad. i try not to think about that, her, but i mean, eventually i'm going to run out of things to occupy my mind that's not lee-related, right? it is what it is. it is what it is.
i can't help to think of what could have been. for the both of us. if we both did better in school. if we both didn't do drugs. life would be so insanely different, i couldn't imagine. i wouldn't take it back. my wild teen years?!! hell no. those were the TIMES OF MY LIFE. our lives. we made an impact on everyone. those two crazy girls with the piercings and the pale skin. what is the matter with them?! they're all on drugs!
but we really weren't all the time, that's the funny thing. i think we just always looked fucked up, so people assumed we just had to be on something! if we weren't fucked up, we just thought about how and when we were going to get fucked up. hahaha. i just thought it was hilarious to show up to school stoned. and everyone knew but i didn't care. it was fucking high school, why on earth would i take that seriously? only my entire life is depending on it, hahah!
wow, talking about living in the past. how sad!!! it's cleansing. i need to write. this is what i need to do in order for me to actually get over things. like what normal people do? i guess i should "put the bottle down," and actually be productive.
this is what's going to keep me in line. is writing. words.
i might be totally nuts, but i really do think that if i were to write a book, stemming from my childhood, to teenage years, to now and beyond, someone would read it. i don't care if that sounds pompous. you don't know me until you lived me. and people at a time wanted to, but were too afraid. they'd never take a risk. no one wanted to walk on the wild side!!! with good reason, haha. i don't blame them. those people all have good shit going on for them, whether it's school or a career or whatever. but i don't caaaaaaaaare, because the economy is shit now so why bother wasting away at school when you're not even 100% you are going to have an actual career when it's over? fuck that. i just wanna work a steady job and travel and live life. i don't need a rich husband, or a white picket fence, or a two story house, or a maine coon cat. i just need myself. ha! the key to happiness right there. you really just need yourself. and then other things come along. good things. good things infact do come to those who wait.
if anyone read any of this mess, god bless you. did not intend for this nonsense to be this long. who would have thought livejournal would have became my sober outlet? ha.
EDIT: so i think a big reason why i can't sleep anymore is because i think i'm gonna end up dying in my sleep. of god knows what. and i refuse to go out like that. gotta go out with a bang! no, really though. does anyone else suffer that or am i really crazy? if your mind is awake and racing, but your body is tired and weak, which has more power? YOUR MIND! this is really unhealthy. i feel awful, but i don't know what i'm supposed to do about it. i swear everytime i close my eyes, i just imagine trying to see and then see nothing. nothing but black. because i'm dead. because my liver failed overnight from a night of drinking too much. such as last night, oops. working 6 days a week will do that to you. that one day off, you make the most of it. for me? start drinking the moment you wake up, until the second you slip into a slumber. i guess i was lying when i said i wasn't dependent on substances anymore. but alcohol is legal. right? is it better or worse to be, uh, addicted to a legal substance that's totally worse for you rather than pills or marijuana or cocaine? oh man. this mind is aracin.'
i figured out that i'm going to write a book. maybe call it something like, drugs sex, and rock in roll in my head? no, that's stupid. magnet to madness? huh. that one is better. ooohhhh, get ready.
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| go conquer someone else. |
[03 Sep 2008|04:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
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fucking weird |
] |
| [ |
music |
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donnell jones |
] |
got fat, got angry, starting hating myself.
now i'm skinny, and sick and paranoid without a cent to my name.
what's up, baby bitch? how you doin'?
on that note:
brennan's, labor day, bucks, dui's, 2 designated driver's in one night, anclote pier, fellow leo's, liquid courage, too much in common, pool, youtube, largo, drugs, too much freedom, constant worry, constant thought process, quality plus, green night gowns, late nights, early mornings, stepping on/off strange turf, not knowing enough/knowing too much, hatred of driving, dry county, 411, "pauly pocket," regrets, karaoke, poison, blowing way too much money, special occasions, creeps, bridges burned, mike wisely returns, pitchers, beer bellies, ocd, ocd, ocd, cameras, caring too much/not enough, fun, bad times/good times, 4:52 am, 666, lust, astrology, analyzing everything, trust issues, red hair, bangs, stars, raccoons, almost hitting a dog, motorcycles, intrigue, dislike, extremists, contemplation, juvenile, discovering LIES, LIES, AND MORE LIES and finding out more than you wanted to.
this makes no sense and it wasn't meant to. goodnight.
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[22 Aug 2008|05:14am] |
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mood |
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 indifferent |
] |
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music |
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coldplay - don't panic |
] |
so this is it. it's do or die today. the impending doom has finally arrived! and with it comes insane insomnia, and neverending thought process. if i could sleep, i would. i can't. i've tried. i've tried to eat. i've tried to keep myself occupied, either watching robot chicken or lurking frienemies' myspace pages. so for those who have no idea what the fuck i am talking about, i am talking about my fan club's fantasy about me. god, it's so hard to just come out and say it. basically, i'm either going to jail or i'll get more probation. and i am sort of relieved. whatever the verdict is. i just want to deal with it, and get it over with. paris hilton style, you know? i really have no fear of jail itself. maybe a little anxiety of the small spaces, and the ride up there has to be a pretty good mind-fuck. no, if anything, i truly believe i deserve it and maybe it will do me some good. not saying that i'm asking for it to happen, but if it does, what can i do? laugh? cry? all of the above? that was my fate. that's how it was supposed to end up. that's how it is with every fucking decision and move i make. there is always, always a reason, good or bad shit happens the way it does. it's all part of this creepy life lesson. the lesson learned? i suppose in this situation, is to not violate your probation. because probation is basically a free, well, i wouldn't say free, but a semi-free pass out of jail. and if you fuck that up, well, who's own damn fault is that? it is yours. it is mine. and i accept it. i'm not a baby. i'm not a sixteen year old who violated her pre-trial intervention. i am an adult who just very well might have violated her probation. it's all a fucking joke anyway. i've been paying $55 a month to those bastards, on top of community service since february. i did all i could, for the most part. it just wasn't good enough. oh, is that another life lesson? because that one, i do know pretty well. cool, work in two hours! and after that, i meet my fate. i meat my freight. oh my god, i've lost it. did i ever have it? i'm not wearing khaki pants or a white polo shirt to work. no sir, not today. bad things come in three's, and if that is the case, i predict i won't get my paycheck, and i'll be kicked off probation. that would make an even three of bad luck events to happen to me recently. if i am somehow proved wrong, so god help me, i'll join a convent or something. if i am proved wrong, i will literally kiss the ground and have a newfound love for freedom. but let's not get ahead of ourselves here. since when would shit work out the way i wanted? that'll be the day. that will be the fucking day piggies are flying all around me, wings spread, tails all curled and shit. that'll be the day i'll never live to see.
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[19 Jul 2008|02:02am] |
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Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper
Of every waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
Consider this
The hint of the century
Consider this
The slip that brought me
To my knees failed
What if all these fantasies
Come flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
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| it's a possibility to live without |
[16 Feb 2008|09:35am] |
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on the verge of tears again. couldn't really explain why. i really think i may seek help from someone. maybe even check into a psychiatric hospital. i don't think many people would try to disuade me. i can't do it alone. never have i felt so alone. isn't this what i wanted? drugs were my boyfriend. drugs were my friends. drugs are the reasons i have no control and do terrible things in life. i could've done so much more. now all it seems i'm capable of is failing and disappointing. and i don't think i can change, you know? i mean, i've said and tried to, and fail miserably each time. it's just disheartening. and i blame nobody but myself. i just wish i knew when to stop. just fucking stop. it sounds so easy. i need to change my number. i can't have the text messages or the phone calls telling me what pharmaceuticals are in stock. it is killing me. it truly, truly is killing me on the inside. and i've said it over and over and over like a fucking broken record. i appreciate and take my friend's advice into consideration, but they can't save me from myself. i laugh at that show on vh1, celebrity rehab, but to be quite honest, it's not funny. i can see myself in that shape in a good ten years or so if i keep it up. and i don't want that to happen. to be so addicted to something that your body actually gets sick without it. jeff connoway can't even walk and can't do much of anything. from old age? no. from drug use. and that's really sad. inner demons. we all have them. i guess we all deal with these demons in our own different ways. i wish i had picked a different way other than drinking or doing drugs. this itself, this lifestyle, these livejournal posts ... it's all getting old. today will be the day i look into a rehabilitation center or a psychiatric ward. i want to give up my rights. my self-control went out the window. haven't been able to find it since.
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[12 Feb 2008|06:23pm] |
goddamn, i am so lost. this is the last thing i wanted to happen. ugh. what in god's name am i doing?
i wish i could answer that.
what do most people do in need? turn to god? turn to their friends? well, count the last one out considering my only two friends completely turned their back on me.
and for what? oh, for me being "out of control."
are you fucking kidding me? who drops their friends when they develop problems? why wouldn't you try to help them? why wouldn't you try to hear them out instead of judging? that's all i ask for.
and you know, i try hard to come off as a strong person. i do believe i am, but god, not now. it's all too much. with probation and violating the curfew bullshit ...
who knows? maybe i'll end up in jail. maybe that'll be my true wake-up call. it's funny. it's like i am screaming at the top of my lungs for help, from someone, from anyone, and no one can hear me. or they just choose not to. but that's fine. but do you know how many times i've listened to all of you with your problems and what was bothering you? i am working on developing compassion, but it all just blows up in my fucking face. fuck compassion. fucking caring for others. that's gotten me absolutely nowhere.
well, if i do end up on 49th street, someone write to me. i don't care what it is. draw me a picture. write me a poem. maybe a haiku or two. or maybe a nice piece of what i should and shouldn't have done in life. because i surely haven't heard that enough.
i told myself i wouldn't backtrack but i just. can't.
it's the only way i know. it's my only way of coping with this terrible thing called reality. god forbid.
i really am working on becoming a better person. it's sad to think i prided myself in being a bad person. it's true, when you become so numb, you don't give a fuck who you hurt in the process.
tom is done with me. alyssia is done with me. lee is done with me. they all are. hahahahaha.
will i make it out alive?
who knows?
let me finish this delicious red stripe and i'll get back to you on that.
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| wow, has it really come to this? |
[08 Feb 2008|02:35am] |
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mood |
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 pessimistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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KID ROCK!! |
] |
I've been sitting here, trying to find myself
I get behind myself, I need to rewind myself
Looking for the payback. Listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me
And I feel like number one yet I'm last in line
I take too many pills. It helps to ease the pain
I made a couple of dollar bills, still I feel the same
Everybody knows my name. They say it way out loud
A lot of people fuck with me. It's hard to hang out in crowds
I guess that's the price you pay to be some big shot like I am
Outstretched hands and one night stands, still I can't find love
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around
And when your walls come tumbling down
I will always be around
People don't know about the things I say and do
They don't understand about the shit that I've been through
It's been so long since I've been home
I've been gone, I've been gone far way too long
Maybe I forgot all the things I've missed
And somehow I know there's more to life than this
I said it too many times and I still stand firm
You get what you put in and people get what they deserve
Still, I ain't seen mine. No, I ain't seen mine
I've been giving, just ain't been getting
I've been walking that line
So I think I'll keep on walking with my head held high
I'll keep moving on and only God knows why
Take me to the river.
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| kiss me, i'm shitfaced. |
[04 Jan 2008|12:00am] |
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mood |
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 thirsty |
] |
| [ |
music |
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dropkick murphys |
] |
i think i'm barren. you were out of my league. i hate how the blow's songs are so fucking catchy. i feel like i should throw on some polka dots and mary janes. again. don't write me poems if you don't mean what you say in them. i'd rather not be lied to, especially through poetry. that just seems all kinds of wrong. stop putting ideas in my head. i'm going to start playing drums. my goal is to be like: 
all i need is a singer guitarist chick girl and a tambourine girl, and there you have it. i'm going back to spc. paid for my classes and books today. it seems so surreal. and i am excited. seriously. i really am thankful i was given the chance to go back. this is my shot to prove to everyone i'm not as stupid as i look, and i can make something out of myself. i'm too unstable to work full-time anyways. i've done it before, and i don't want to do it again anytime soon. i'd rather be poor walking around, then driving around with a bunch of money. i seem to always get myself in trouble when i'm doing well. isn't that funny? how you can be doing so well financially, but emotionally, everything is so wrong. i guess that's the difference between myself and a lot of people. i would rather be happy than rich. i tried having a lot of money to see how happy it could made me, and it didn't work out too well. i guess that's why i'm looked down on by so many. i could care, or i couldn't. i don't. not so much, anyway. so, i guess my "plan" is to finish out this semester at good ole' st. pete college, get a part-time job, save up money for once, get off probation, and move to tallahassee with bobby and nicole. as long as i keep my head straight, and don't backtrack. i can do it. it really does seem practical. for so many reasons. one big one, for the fact bobby and nicole don't do drugs. i can't be around it anymore. and no worrying about where to hide the pot plants if cops come by.
it's the difference between being DESTRUCTIVE and CONSTRUCTIVE. and everyone keeps telling me to get away. to get the fuck out of this area. and i couldn't agree more. and this year has never seemed more like a better time. my parents support the idea, because they know what's around here. they know who i associate with. they know i know where to find anything and everything. it's like that stupid nickelback song .. everybody has a drug dealer on speed dial or whatever? true. as i get older, and years do pass, i realize i can't expect the world to change around me. it's me who has to change the world. i've got to change my ways.
everyone else is on their own.
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[28 Dec 2007|04:17am] |
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mood |
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 restless |
] |
| [ |
music |
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manhattans - kiss and say goodbye |
] |
- was forced to pawn my beloved canon powershot for money for christmas gifts last week
- was able to buy back camera yesterday since there is a 2 week hold on shit and they promised me they would hold onto it for me until i could get it back, thank god.
- got attacked by a pitbull
- got rejected more than once in one day, hahaha
- free drugs
- embracing being a free bird again
- sleep pattern is the most fucked up it has ever been in my entire life
- had sex with an ex on christmas day (it felt way too right)
- eerily rekindling a lot from the past
- embracing sobriety for once
- embracing change
- GETTING ATTACKED BY A PITBULL
- speaking with clint after 7 months of not speaking (i've missed him a lot)
- making joe get lost on our way to ybor because i was too busy defending oprah winfrey
- falling down that damn rabbit hole repeatedly
- making an effort
- having no guilty conscience is a big + !
- remaining numb as a drum
the only things to look forward to are as follows:
1. going back to school!
2. working on my "internal issues"
3. attempt to go ahead and try to build something out of nothing with andrew.....
4. improving on lettings things go, go, go
5. clarity? (L.A. here I come!)
6. good and SAFE sex (that is, when i can remember to do so)
7. getting my wisdom teeth knocked out so i can be in a nice drug coma for a couple days with an excuse
8. finally turning 20 so i can finally be accepted as an actual adult with the "teen" aspect off my age
9. drum lessons! watch your back, meg white : )
10. finding whatever it is i'm searching for because i'm looking in all the wrong, wrong places.
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| Fuck forgetting, fuck forgiving. |
[27 Dec 2007|08:29am] |
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mood |
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 bit of everything |
] |
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music |
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aphex twin |
] |
He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
I go back to us
I love you much
It's not enough
You love blow and I love puff
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to
Black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
I go back to
I go back to
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to black.
Day after Christmas.
And here is a typical morning with Mr. Hahn! Me in a rabbit fur coat, already drinkin', & him strumming his geetar in the nude. Much cropping had to be done to this picture to make it G rated, hah!
And thennnnnn we come to this picture which highly, highly disturbs me:
Can anyone guess what is very, very wrong in that picture? Just looking at that absolutely sickens me.
A couple days later she was fucking Andrew. No big deal, other than the fact he was still with me, and silly me, thinking he was devoted. One of the few times in my life I was unable to see through bullshit. He's not innocent either, but she was the one who initiated it. And I don't understand why. I never will either. Is that normal to pretend to be somebody's friend just so you can go fuck their boyfriend? I love how all these girls have nothing to offer but sex. She could have had anyone. Any stupid boy she could play her head games with. Why him? The one person I actually gave two shits about? I was happy. And she took that away from me. Maybe I'm bitter, but I have every goddamn right to be. She will get hers. I will make sure of it. These are the women who give females a bad name. Am I the only one who sees something very wrong with that shit? God, it's all too common now. I don't care that she has "daddy issues," that is no reason to be a vindictive little cunt who sleeps with the entire neighborhood of Beacon Groves just to gain some kind of self-worth. And everyone seems to just pass her around. And it's fucking disgusting. She is disgusting. She makes me think twice about my whole, "never fighting for anything I want" mentality. Fuck that. That emaciated looking cum bucket has got away with so much and frankly, I'm not taking any more shit from her. Or anyone else for that matter. And you know wanna know something?
Jessica Burge deserves every bad thing that comes her way.
So are there any good people left in this world?
Any at all?
Nope. I didn't think so!
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| My temporary solace. |
[19 Dec 2007|01:23am] |
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break up to make up. make up to break up. break up to make up. make up to break up. break up to make up. i'm not sure how someone like myself wound up in such a bizarre, eerily almost utopian, volatile relationship. there's no way i can feel so strongly about someone so fast. there's no way. so what the fuck is it that i think i'm feeling? i almost wish he didn't show me his notebook. it opened up a completely different side to him. so much more to the surface than what meets the eye. you really do surprise me everyday. i wish he knew the reason why i keep my wall up at all times is to just avoid getting hurt by him. is it really that complicated? it makes perfect sense to me. he claims that's his reason too, but he knows, god, does he know he has it all in his hands. when he says go, i go. when he says stay, i'll stay. but as days pass, the wall i've built up sky high is coming crashing down. i haven't been myself lately. but who's myself? all this time i thought i had a pretty good fucking idea of who i am. but now, ever since he came into the picture, i'm questioning everything. questioning everything i thought i believed in so strongly. i don't care if you push me around. i need to be put in my place at times, god. no one has had the balls to do it! i don't care if we argue nonstop. our viewpoints and opinions are both valid. i don't care about your past. somehow, you don't care about mine and that means so, so much to me. i don't care about money, an endless amount couldn't bring me perpetual happiness. i don't care where we go. i don't care where we are. if you are in my presence, that is enough. that's all i need. i need you around. i will stand firm in my child-like belief in everything does happen for a reason based on this. and i don't care if i'm proved wrong. to me, it was all worth it. never have i felt so much for someone. there have been others, but not like this. not at all like this. you do know what i'm thinking. you do know what i'm feeling. you read into me and that has yet to be done before. it is almost seriously frightening. but thrilling all at the same time. how do you know so me well? why do we feel so comfortable with one another? i'm trying to make sense of it all without sounding totally off my rocker. i've said i met my match once before. you know, the "one." the one you give yourself away to, the one you break all your plans for, the one you truly believe wouldn't ever fuck you over or leave you for another, the first one who breaks your fucking heart in two. cat stevens was indeed right when he said the first cut is the deepest. why is it that i had to be one of the chosen ones who have to learn every fucking life lesson the hard way?
when you go to jacksonville, i'm not even gonna try to lie, i'm going to be a wreck. but you have to do what you have to do and i fully support you. you need to figure out your life, and i need to do the same. get out of this area while you still can! who am i to hold you back? when you come back, we will see what happens. and take it step by step. i'll be here, waiting, sifting through old pictures, living in the past, hoping for the best, and pacing back. and forth.
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[12 Dec 2007|02:59am] |
my best judgment signed its resignation.
we rushed this, we moved too fast, and tripped into the guestroom.
but as i said, i am not surprised or caught off guard. nope. i am clearly immune to that by now. thank fucking god. i am glad it was a very mutual decision, probably the only thing we've been able to agree on this entire fucking time!
and it's just so fucking sad. you had all the potential in the world. i saw something in you that i never see in any other human being. and you blew it. i couldn't see through the bullshit. and i am always on top of that shit.
how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how could i not see through you?
you have good looks. you're intelligent. you're sneaky. you're witty. you are disgustingly charming. we are exactly fucking alike. and it didn't work in our favor. two wrongs do not make it right. and somewhere, deep down, i would like to believe you are just as good a person you proclaim to be. it's just unfortunate i never got to see that side of you.
but all of those things you obsess over, are not eternal. you will not always have your good looks, or your perfect body. take pride in your fucking mind. fuck the physical aspect. in the end, which is where we are, that means nothing to me. you being so ugly on the inside, made you absolutely hideous on the outside.
you have a lot of growing up to do. stop drinking yourself to oblivion: you are not impressing anyone. stop being a hypochondriac: you are in good health!
and for once, i refuse to take fault or overanalyze. this is one situation, where i am going to just let it go.
accept it. move the fuck on. if anyone knew what went on with us behind closed doors, everyone would be shocked. i'm still shocked.
my new year's resolution is to stop thinking i can help people.
by enabling them with substances, or lying to them to make them feel better. whatever the fuck i'm doing, i need to stop.
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| Good times for a change |
[07 Dec 2007|04:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
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music |
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the smiths - please, please, please let me get what i want |
] |
http://www.myfoxtampabay.com/myfox/pages/News/Detail?contentId=5143961&version=9&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=TSTY&pageId=3.1.1
today was definitely one of the weirdest days of my life. i wake up early to attempt to job hunt. i am semi-successful. i eat lunch with my sister and her fiance! yes, my sister, summer is getting married! goddamn. everyone is growing up and shit, and it scares the shit out of me. after that, i made her buy me beer and then i went to bonnie's house. which, if you watched the news today, a fucking crazy woman who lives two fucking houses down from her, had 97 cats living in her house. bay news 9, fox 13, were all on her street. so we decide to drink more, and then stumble up there, to try to get the scoop firsthand. the reporters said it was the worst case of animal cruelty they've seen in 20 years. and 97 wasn't the final count. there's still more! one was found dead under the sofa. i met  !!! apparently, he is somewhat well-known 'round these parts? run into josh green and jarrod, who were also checking out the fucking crime scene. for real. it was just cat after cat being carried out. it was so surreal. nothing exciting happens in this shithole town! check the paper tomorrow. on seminole road in tarpon springs. crazy. fucking. shit. or you could just click the link above and read that shit yo damn self.
so after harrassing the news reporters, we go back to bonnie's to finish our yuengling. then we all part ways. i go home, drunk, and drop my bowl in front of my dad. it shatters into a bunch of pieces, and my parents scream and ask what i broke. i scramble around trying to pick up the glass and CAKED IN resin. so of course, my father, being a fomer probation officer, asks if it was a "bong" i dropped. if it was a fucking BONG, i would be in tears. but oh well. i told him it did smell weird and maybe it's rust? whew.
end up at lindsey giglio's house! former best friend from 2nd grade, what's up? we attempt to watch seven, but trying to watch a movie with nick enfante, kurt, chad, and tom is not going to happen. they just do not know when to shut up. i brought them homemade cookies, so they appreciated that. i was going to bring my so-called boyfriend cookies, but his phone is off. and i am not a stalker who is going to drive by his house over and over, although it did cross my creepy little mind.
i can say for once, i am pretty fucking happy with my life at this point. i'm broke, but i'm happy. i'm hard, but i'm friendly. but ya know, tomorrow's a new day, so who knows? maybe it'll be good. it's friday, so it should be. being jobless has been fucking bliss. the being broke aspect is a downer, but having my sanity back is nice enough. i love the people in my life right now. and i hate to say it, but i am elated and have no regrets about me ending my friendship with lee. i just hope she's happy.
i miss beckham!
oh, goddamn it. the lovebug has bitten me! no, we cannot use the word "love" just yet. i am in lust. very much so. he made me fettucine alfredo with garlic bread. from scratch. oh man. i always wanted someone to cook me food. because i sure as fuck can't cook. i can make ramen. and shells and cheese. oh, and toast. it is just odd though. how people come into your life when you don't even expect it. i wasn't looking for anyone. but
low, and behold, somehow, someone up there or maybe my good karma has paid off, and i am content. how long will it last? who knows? i'm not concerned about that now. i care about how it is now and how right it feels. he truly is the male lindsey and i am the female version of him. it is so bizarre, that it works. we watch gummo almost every night! the motherfucker likes gummo! oh man. sooooo many brownie points for that. but, i do hope that it does last. let's knock on wood here because you know discussing relationships on livejournal
jinxes you. i'm not used to being in a relationship. it has been a good year or so since i've been captured in one of those trainwrecks. but i mean, if you work on it, all relationships can't be that bad, right? i don't even care. but i do care about him a lot. probably too much. i just don't want to get hurt, goddamn it. i'm just going to worry about the present. if it's over tomorrow, then it's over tomorrow. life will go on. i'm not going to sit here and cry over a relationship that has 9 days of existence. he makes me happy. he makes me angry. he makes me smile. he puts me in my place. he eerily enough knows me too well. he gives me something to look forward to. i haven't been able to say that in a long time. what is this feeling?!?!?! i never get this feeling. i am not sure how to handle it. i don't want it go away though. god, i sound like that bitch in pleasantville when she starts to turn into color, and her husband william macy, is all, yeah bitch, it'll go away. and she's like, I DON'T WANT IT TO GO AWAY. well, you know something? i feel ya on that. but like i said, if it's not meant to be, it's simply not meant to be. and it was fucking nice while it lasted. i'm just happy he's in my life right now. see? i am already predicting bad things. but i can't help it because unfortunately that is usually when i get. so i expect it. i don't know. i just hope, pray that it's not too good to be true. like the smiths said, please let me get what i want, lord knows it would be the first time. i do know i am completely and utterly infatuated, smitten, intrigued, engulfed, pretty fucking crazy about edward beckham hahn. funny how shit comes together sometimes, you dig?
Oh, and as if life couldn't possibly get any better, ahem:
Additional Information:
Acts include Modest Mouse, Silversun Pick Ups, Silverchair, and The Shins
| Sun Dec 16 | Duluth, GA | The Arena at Gwinnet Center (99x Mistle Toe Jam) |
I can now die happy.
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| i think i just contracted Tetanus ? |
[06 Nov 2007|02:43pm] |
i am drunk. i stepped on a nail. it was rusty. it impaled me. it is 2:44 p.m. why the fuck do you care what time it is anyways? this doesn't concern you.
i talked to jess today. like. talked. you know, the girl who fucked my boyfriend and is now dating him? yep, that one. we agreed to be civil to one another. that's it. it is time to burn bridges. it is time to let the past GO GO GO!
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME, LIFE?
what the fuck am i doing? will someone please tell me?
i am lonely and drunk and bored. someone come over and play with me before i put DAMN, I WISH I WAS YOUR LOVER on repeat over and over and over.
i will have no recollection of this tomorrow. shit. probably an hour from now. hah!
i had a dream i was your hero.
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| You don't bring me anything but down. |
[29 Oct 2007|02:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 listless |
] |
This pain
in my stomach
won't go away.
I assume
this is punishment
from all
the mistakes I've made.
In a world where my actions
speak louder than words.
I know more people than ever before.
One lesson I've learned from it all?
Fortune and fame are disguised as your friend
Because I'm lonelier now than I've ever been.
Because this pain in my stomach
won't go away.
I assume this is punishment
for the mistakes I have made.
In a world where my actions
speak louder than words.
I know more people than ever before.
One lesson I've learned from it all?
Fortune and fame are disguised as your friend
Because I'm lonelier now than I've ever been.
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| Arrest #3 |
[22 Oct 2007|12:05pm] |
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Just when you think things are looking up.
I am so fucking over this shit.
It's just not worth it anymore.
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[06 May 2007|07:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 undisclosed |
] |
I opened my eyes
While you were kissing me once more than once
And you looked as sincere as a dog
Just as sincere as a dog does,
When it's the food on your lips with which it's in love
I bet you could never tell
That I knew you didn't know me that well
It is my fault you see
You never learned that much from me
Oh you silly, stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for rhyme
And from the first to the last time
The sign says stop
But we went on whole hearted, it ended bad
But I love what we started it says stop
But we went on whole hearted, it ended bad
But I love what we started
I took off my glasses
While you were yelling at me once more than once
So as not to see you see me react
Should've put 'em, should've put 'em on again
So I could see you see me sincerely yelling back
I bet your fortress face
Belied your fort of lace
It is by the grace of me
You never learned what I could see
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